The maid of honor just puked.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
