If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize