I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
