Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She's better-looking with the mask on.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
