I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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