FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
