How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I love you.
Bad choice
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
