Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
