My balls are so social today.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
