Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
