how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
