my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize