Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
North Korea, Best Korea!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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