I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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