Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
