Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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