When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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