Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
