On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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