please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
