textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
