Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
