I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
