It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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