my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
