my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
