It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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