before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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