Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize