You just made me feel so damn special
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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