is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
