Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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