Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
