I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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