I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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