seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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