Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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