note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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