Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
