I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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