He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize