Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So much rum. So many feels.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
