So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
