dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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