I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
im calling her cock vulture from now on
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
