I look better un-naked...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
