Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
