Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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