well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
