I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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