just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
