I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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