Kiss
Puke
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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