Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
