if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
