In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
