Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
