you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
