You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
