I think im going to throw up on grandma
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
