So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
