my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
